Well This is Awkward

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen.

Keep in the sunlight. - Benjamin Franklin

Back in the day, before I had all these kids…you know, that magical time when I frivolously wasted all my free time on peace and quiet (and sleep!)…I felt incredibly awkward around young children.

Um hi, I would think, you are small and strange, and you might bite. Yeaaaah. Please stay over there.

Is this a pretty stupid attitude to hold towards the young of my species? Probably.

Now that I am a parent, however, I am exactly as awkward around other people’s children.

What? That’s not even fair!

Sometimes when my baby is sleeping, I stare at his beautiful face and even as I fall more madly in love with him (and both his chins), I am seized with anxiety that I won’t know how to be his mother as he grows. What if all our future interactions are a bumbling shambles of maternal ineptitude? Oh my god, he’s going to get big! I have to baby-proof this entire child-murdering house RIGHT NOW. We’re all going to diiiiiiiie.

I really am trying to climb down off the CrazyTrain.

How about I get through this day and not borrow trouble from tomorrow? Also, no matter how it may later feel in hindsight, babies don’t actually turn into 5 years olds overnight.

I know all this on an intellectual level – just like I know that I will be spending every day with this baby so it’s not like he’ll be a stranger to me. And I’m totally not awkward around him now. I’ve learned what he likes and what he needs and I’m sure I will continue down that path of discovery blah blah blah. The knowing doesn’t stop the panic.

Maybe that’s why everyone keeps telling me to “Treasure Every Moment” (that’s not why – they say that because they have completely forgotten what it’s like to have a newborn). At least when I’m evaluating the moment to see if I will actually be treasuring it or not* I am not freaking the crap out about the future.

If you need me, I’ll be over here, taking deep breaths and trying to stay in the sunlight.

 

He sleeps so peacefully

*Kissing his irresistible fat cheeks? Yes! Wiping poop off his arms – his freaking ARMS people!! – in Denver International Airport? I’m thinking NO on that one.