Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Immune System,

This is going to be difficult to hear. But it’s just got to be said. We’ve been in a relationship for a long time now and I think we both know it’s just not working.

Our problems started with your drastic failures in the fall of 1998. You let yourself be seduced by literally every single new germ you saw, leaving me to stay at home and wonder why the love had gone so suddenly. I missed 28 days of school that year thanks to your dirty mistresses leaving their garbage all over my upper respiratory system. But since I still managed a 4.1 gpa and you gave me those sad puppy dog eyes, I forgave you.

We could start again, you assured me. You had learned from your mistakes and it would be better from now on.

The years passed and I worked hard to keep the fires going. I gave you little gifts of multivitamins to help you with your housework. I took you to beautiful countries and bought you big sparkling vaccines. I tried to make you happy. You have just not held up your end of the bargain.

I’ve been making excuses for your lack of concern for my well-being: you had a sheltered childhood and can’t handle yourself in social situations or you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

I see all my friends with their allergies – proof that their immune systems care too much – and I’m just a little bit jealous. Maybe if I ate more vegetables you would like me more. But it’s time to face facts; it’s not me, it’s you.

This is really the last straw. This latest round of germs you have allowed into my body is disgraceful. They came from a three month old baby! An infant! You cannot even roust yourself to protect me from a teeny tiny baby virus. Instead you let me wander around my office – fevered, achy and disoriented – wearing pants that I’m about 90% sure aren’t even mine. Oh the shame!

I’m so over you.

Elizabeth

A-A-A-CHOO!